transformational journey

2003-04-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

Who is reading this besides Suzanna and Lori? I thought we were it. I am not comfortable sharing this information with any one outside the two people I initially assumed were the only eyes reading my most private thoughts. Perhaps I am not aware of how blogs are supposed to work. Please forgive my super-sensitivity. Thanks guys.

2003-03-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

hey girlies... thanks to Mr. Mike Bishop we now have the ability to comment on the entries. If you're reading this blog and you do not type entries, please be sensitive to the senseitive nature of what we talk about... I'm just being honest. I do, however, want to encourage you to comment on our entries and experiences. Many times it's important to get an objective perspective... that rhymes.

anyways... I have to wait to blog about what is really going on with me and how it's affecting my body... more later.

2003-02-28T09:11:00.000-08:00

Tara... I just quickly wanted to respond to what you were saying about MB... I've been in that situation before. In that particular situation, I didn't tell her mom, but her mom wound up finding out anyways. Her mom already knows about the cutting and nail-biting, true? Is she seeing a counselor or anything... just a concern cause cutting is definitely a counselor-type situation...

It's so cool to me that she can see that she can be real with you. If you think you really need to tell her mom (it sounds like her mom is co-dependent so I'm not sure it would be beneficial for her to know right now, cause she might just start to enable MB... just a thought), I would recommend giving her a loving deadline. For example, say, "MB, I've been thinking about some of what you shared and I know personally some of the harm that can come from those choices you're making. I want to let your mom know about it because I know she loves you, but I want you to have the opportunity to tell her. I'm going to trust that you'll do that and by April 1st, I'll assume that you've told her. When I'm around her I might mention something about it assuming she knows."

This is maybe a more empowering way of letting parents know what's going on. I've never done it myself, but I have friends who have and I haven't heard of it backfiring. I rarely tell parents about sex or drugs, though I'm aware that at some point something really bad could happen, and I would feel guilt probably for not telling more people. Our guideline at my work is to notify people once a student is going to harm herself or someone else.

Anyways... enough of that. I'm truly amazed at the relationship you described... I guess I'm most amazed at the power that abusive people can hold over us. There's something that they offer and they withhold that keeps us coming back for more.

2003-02-27T19:24:00.000-08:00

Hi again, it's me, Margaret. I'm sorry, just a throw back to my Judy Bloom days when hormones were a' flutter and I had to read teen trash like that to figure my body out. I am so glad to have a platform for this mind/body/soul matter that clogs my thinking and, until now, had no place to really spill to. Thank you for inviting me and letting me in your private self's room.

I have been filling some snow down time with some crackers from Walmart. I'l get bored for a split second and run into the kitchen for a carbo-load handful of crackers. I haven't done that in a long time. I am so much more conscious of why I eat now. I thought I was before, but I am paying extra attention to it now that I giving myself some time to take care of myself.

Lori-Suz mentioned that you work with young girls a lot. I have noticed you seem to have a lot of wisdom in this area. I am sort of mentoring the daughter of a friend of mine. She is 14 and we have a great time together. She babysits for us and stays with me when Jeremy is gone. We are very close and she shares just about everything with me. First, let me tell you about her parents and family. Her dad is an alcoholic/workaholic who owns his own successful business. Her mom is a tiny, beautiful woman who struggles to raise 2 boys who are patterned after their father-they drink and generally seem to hate women. Her parents fight all of the time and then they magically make up the next day. Some of the blow-ups last a week or two and end up with a Dad out all night drunk and a mom who has opted to sleep on the sofa. There is so much background, but you get the picture hopefully. MB is really smart and really beautiful. She struggles with lying. She gets cought up in messes a lot, trying to be someone she's not. She hurts herself and readily admits it to me and her mother. She brings it up a lot as, I think, a cry for help. She bites her fingers until they bleed and she cuts her arms. She has a really sweet boyfriend who is also 14 and she just told me this week that they are having sex. She asked if I could get her birth control pills under my name for her and I respectfully declined. I offered to be in the room if she wished to tell her mother. She really got scared that I would say something to her mother without her. I asssured her that would not happen and talked her about her sexuality and how it such a bummer that sex has so many far-reaching consequences when you are not with the person you are going to marry. I did not give her the WHY WAIT speech. I told her that God loves her in that special place that is longing to be loved and that physical closeness will not fill the holes left in her from her family. Was that too much psycho-babble for her age? Am I under an obligation to talk to her mom about it? I am not really sure what to do. I love her so much and I am a huge influence on her life. It is a wonderful responsibility. I know the hurting herself and sex can probably be handled in different ways even though they are so interconnected. Could you please take some time to help me figure this out? Thank you.
Now to me-I had a little bit of an epiphany the other night while talking to Jeremy. I cried about how I understood what Suz meant when she thought her body was to be used by men for pleasure. I recalled each sexual contact I had with boys in high school and they all had the same theme. Male: What can I get from you? How can you make me feel good and fast? I was basically forced to do things with a boy from 7th grade on. I went from being completely scared and repulsed by him to longing for his acceptance and being obsessed with him and his body. My body could never, physically accept him inside of me, because I was so dry. I was never really aroused, just scared. He would corner me in the hallway to feel me up and create an elaborate set up for me to give him a blow job at speech tournaments. He would call me right after I broke up with a boyfriend and take me in his truck to see what he would get. He never spent a dime for a date with me. Our phone conversations were of nothing but sex and yet, I really believe I loved him. It is just hitting me now, as I write that I was in love with the boy who was just like my real dad-a druggy, sex abuser. I stayed and loved him just like my mom did. I have always been so proud of myself for being able to have transcended my mother's horrible history with men and yet, my entire sexual beginning was with the same prototype. Thank you, God, for giving me Jeremy and sparing me from this man. I have had contact with this guy 2-3 times during my marriage. He called me after I had been married for a couple of years. He was asking me to have an affair, he wasn't willing to pay for a plane ticket or come to me. He made that clear. I actually fantasized about our rendevous. I knew it would ruin my life and I put the hot, hot fire out by turning him down. Jeremy knewhe contacted me but I never told him the true nature of it. I have dreams abouthim at least once a month. We are always trying to be someplace private to have sex, but it never, ever happens. Jeremy knows that I have occasional dreams of him and he says he realizes that he played a huge role in my sexual development and that dreams are powerful. How well-adjusted is that? I feel like it is a burden I carry. It is pretty complicated. Isn't everything? This is what I cannot impart to MB. She will have to find this out on her own, I guess. Again, thank you for this therapy session. It is a lot cheaper and safer. Suz, I would appreciate your honest thoughts on C. I have always wanted to know what you think of us. I know he played a role in your history too. Hopefully, Lori, you will be intrigued by this and we will all grow. I love you, Suz. My heart is so yours.

2003-02-21T09:04:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna blog this even though Suz and I talked about it this past Tuesday. I've been thinking that emotional trauma (of any sort) can cause development to halt or delay... the easiest example of this is when you hear a girl talking "baby talk." Often this girl's development stopped in the social area because of some trauma (sexual abuse, her parents divorced, she was bullied by a classmate,etc.) I've been thinking that development can stop in other areas as well such as food for myself. So, I'm going to help myself grow up in the area of food. Right now, I eat like there's never going to be any more of it ever. I get frantic, eating very emotionally. So, when I catch myself doing so, I'm going to say, "It's ok, Lori. There's going to be plenty more food. Just relax." I'm going to choose to stop when I'm full... listening for the voice of the Spirit telling me that I'm all done.

What do you think...?

2003-02-11T09:28:00.000-08:00

My dearest cousin, pardon my liberties but the other night when we were on the phone you retorically asked "who is Jesus anyway" or something to that degree. I am no theological expert I just have thought about your question ever since and have been asking it to the Father deep inside. Today as I was swinging with Silas outside, here in paradise, I heard an answer whispered in my heart. I will tell you what I experienced: He is the feeling of freedom I get when I am swinging. He is the rapture on Silas' face as he goes back and forth. He is the joy I feel when I remember all the years of laughter in spite of the hell that surrounded you and I. He is your beautiful face when you see a puppy. He is the echo of love in your voice as you talk about Jackson. He is the softness of your hand as you nurse Lily. He is True Life. He is Jeremy's heart and how much he adores you, his wife. He is echoed in the giggles as, at almost thirty, we still play "Kelly and Melanie". Tara, He has restored you and I to the rightness of all time before Adam chose independence from Father God. Granted we are not in the Garden of Eden, but He has ushered in His kingdom and He is ever pursuing our hearts for a deeper intimacy with Him. He is the infusion of life felt as Mark and I have sex. He is your sisterly arms holding Seija Liisa as she weeps with a broken heart because your dad is unable to love her unconditionally. That picture is forever burned in my brain. He is not the hardened hearts of Gene and Ari. He is not the selfish inconsistency of our moms. He is not Grandmother's secret cover-up for everything hurtful or ugly in life. He is not the duty of a life hammered out in the empty brick walls of a church building. He is not demanding more and more. He is whispering "enough, enough--you are more than enough for me". He is singing the Norah Jones song "Come Away With Me". He is everywhere--the goodness in everything. He is the essence of Life to heal my spirits many wounds. He actually is Love.

2003-02-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to feel some anxiety and weight creep up on me again. I've been feeling really great and I have figured out that I don't think I deserve it really. My husband and I held onto each other and cried about how much we love each other and our sweet little babies asleep in the next room. Itold him that I was scared we could lose it at any moment. He said sometimes he thinks of what would happen if he lost one of us, but then he realizes that we deserve this beautiful life together. I wept and he said "you deserve this" over and over as he comforted me. I can lay in my bed at night with no actual worries and feel this tingling feeling cover my body. I burn all over and my breath feels like it is being taken from me slowly. After I started taking a higher dose of my medication, this feeling subsided for a few weeks. It's is coming back and getting stronger every day. Lori, I know you don't know the history of this; in a nut shell, I thought I was having a heart attack before Christmas and this was the catalyst for an exhaustive medical journey to figure out what really happened. After many blood tests and diagnostics, including an MRI, the nuerologist told me I was having what can be explained as an extended panic attack. He said it's a blend of anxiety and a hormone imbalance he sees often post partum. My baby will be a year old this month. I took this ambiguous answer from him and spent Christmas with my family. I started feeling this way again about a week ago. I'm not sure what to do. I can feel myself beginning to eat more and wanting to stuff myself even when I am not hungry. I can also see myself feel a little out of control when the house gets out of order. I hope I am not slowly returning to my old patterns of behavior. Somehow, these parts of self are strongly tied to one another. We are so complex. I have in the back of my mind that there is something inside of me that is scratching to the surface and that this is my body's way of telling me it's coming. Maybe a memory of some past event pushed way down or some piece of information that wants to destroy me and what I have. Maybe it is just simply that my body is having a hard time letting go of all its heaviness. My physical body is fighting the life God has restored to me. I will know and will hopefully understand this impending sense of loss.

2003-02-07T09:55:00.000-08:00

My mom is here for the weekend, and I'm excited about talking (or not talking) about food issues and our family. I can really relate to your experience, Suzanna. It kills me when people try to tell me what I "need to know" about weight/food/exercise. They typically make the assumption that I'm a fairly sedentary person who eats junk food. Some friends have expressed surprise when they got to know me... You eat so well!... they'll say. Gosh, Lori, you're so active. I guess they're surprised that someone who is active will be big... which leads me to a new place....

I am coming to think and even believe that part of this journey for me is going to be absolutely letting go of expectations regarding what my body will look like at its healthiest. Because I've never been totally healthy about food and exercise, then I think I'm a blank canvas... at least that's what I think my expectations need to be. Whatever happens to my body as I allow Christ to live through me HAS to be ok. The standards that our world has placed are NOT God's standards. No matter what that looks like... Even if I always have a big butt... Big butts are kinda cool by the way...

2003-02-07T09:25:00.000-08:00

Why is it most people can readily tell you what it is you need, as if it were that simple? I have been told by some that I just need more determination to lose weight, or I have been told by well-wishers that I just need to trust God more, my own husband, God love him, has told me that is was just will-power I lacked, any of the latest books will tell me I should just exercise everyday and eat any number of ways to be successful. Everyone, whether their intentions are kind or vicious, seems to have the answer to my inadequacies. I find this astounding due to the fact that none of their helpful 'wisdoms' have ever been the answer. I would like them to tell me how I actually get more determination. How am I supposed to drum up more self-control or will-power? It is insulting and insensitive that people should imply that I just haven't tried hard enough. All of my trying has failed and the answer to my problems is not more trying. I believe the answer to my problem is Jesus living His life through me. I recognize that I will never be able to acheive my dreams of being healthy on the outside without the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit working determination deep in my soul. I need the Spirit of True Life to create the trust and wisdom I need to live a life that is characterized by His Will power. How can He possibly fail. As He is doing this amazing inner-working I don't want to dwell on the fact that it is not happening as quickly as I want it. I choose not to expect anything other than the fact that it is indeed happening each moment of each day whether I performed well or fell on my butt. Learning and growing is what Life is about. I tend to want a life changing work to happen instantaneously and the last I heard the product of living this awesome Life of freedom was not impatience or frustration. I want those feelings to be an indicator that I am trying to live in my own strength and run to my Abba to hide and rest in the fact that He is indeed working deep within.

2003-02-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

Ok--a precursor--I will tell you that I have no qualms about understanding that in this journey I call Life I am very many times wrong. I don't pretend to even barely have any answers I only know what I have actually experienced and nothing more. I have characteristically learned by trial and error and I am ok with that. That being said here are some thoughts and questions I have about sex.
I blogged earlier about how the lie that I was created to be used sexually was at the very core of my being. A lot of things contributed to this belief. One, was obviously having a body that didn't 'match' my maturity. Two, was my dad has always been kind of extreme about modesty in a very closed off no discussion kind-of way. Three, neither of my parents were very touchy with me as far as pats or hugs. Four, society, of course, propagates this in a myriad of ways. Five, and what I feel very strongly about, I was never given a healthy truthful understanding of what sexuality is. I feel like the 'act' of sex is shrouded in mystery surrounded by high walls and big colorful signs all around saying "DO NOT ENTER" making it all that much more compelling; and when you talk to anyone who has breached the walls they tell a tale that seems exactly what you have always wanted. I can't tell you how many 'Why Wait' tapes our grandmother pushed on Tara and I. I don't think I ever even listened to one. Why is it no one will tell you that sex when I was younger was a selfish unfulfilling quick flash in the pan and then days of guilt and lonliness. A natural desire to be touched and explored was twisted into furtive nights that left only emptiness. Add drinking to the mix and it is a hazy even less gratifying night that leaves more emptiness. I'll tell you what can compete with that crap...sex with a husband that yearns to please you first and then take what has truly become a gift from you. Sex with a man that not only enjoys your sexuality but is facinated by your mind and spirit. See for me the lie I believed was that I was born only to be used in sex. The truth that comes from the heart of Father God is that I was created to revel in sex. Sex as it is intended to be, no lonliness, no emptiness just forever. Two people coming together to worship in a way that combines all of our physical-ness and the deepest parts of our being. It is breathtaking, it is Divine, it is life. See, what I thought was so crazy and wild and forbidden was just a facade for second best. Our sexuality is a gift and we are truly living when the gift is received by one who knows it is the treasure of the universe.

2003-02-05T08:32:00.000-08:00

What a night...last night was so much fun. Lori and I are in a Self-Expression Collage class. It is quite a big thing for me but it was so natural and easy. I am loving this freedom to just Be. Knowing I am beautiful and special makes it a breeze to see beauty and the uniqueness of others. I got to hang out for the second time with Lori's amazing friend, Kim. I have rarely seen such a vivacious person. It was better than reading an exciting book--three women enjoying drinks and hearing bits and pieces of each others life-story. Maybe reading, as one of my forms of escape, was the counterfeit to experiencing the story of friendship.

2003-02-04T08:07:00.000-08:00

I love your blogs Tara. One of the things I'm very excited about with our journey together is that when I type (I don't know if this is the same for you both) things come out that I didn't even know were in there. I'm sitting gaping at the computer monitor going, "Oh my gosh, I'm glad my parents aren't reading this. Anyways, with that said... I really vibe with what you said Suz about the outside not quite reflecting what the truth is about the inside... I think for me... I have a hard time still really believing that it could possibly be true that someone could love me in my weakness and that I could be completely right (as in my relationship with God) with no work to do... Man, I am so tired. I am so weak... I know that food is a way for me to punish myself... this secret, forbidden desire to eat everything that is forbidden....

So what if nothing is forbidden... and I eat whatever I want when I'm hungry... It's wide open... like Paul says life in the spirit is... wide open. I fear what kind of craziness I might get into... but I don't think it's me fearing... I think it's what I was told to fear. Be afraid, Lori. You have to set up rules for yourself so you don't go too crazy and ruin yourself...

Well, at this point I haven't done a great job when I do put tons of rules on myself. At this point I'm sort of willing to give up on rules. All the strict vegetarian crap didn't make my body perfect. All the ridiculous diets with crazy rules haven't helped. They've only left me empty and tired. At the end of myself.

Life in the spirit is wide open! It's crazy, but it's real.

2003-02-04T05:40:00.000-08:00

Happy 30th Birthday my beautiful Tara. I hope your day is magical. I am so proud of the woman you are, your willingness to ask hard questions and not follow a mindless mass is inspiring. Give a kiss to Jeremy and the kids for me. I love you my dearest friend.

2003-02-02T16:45:00.000-08:00

I have just some random thoughts. I think Tara's comment about the forbidden being so delicious is key. Lori and I have been discussing that very concept a lot. There is so much power in the 'thou shalt not..' Whether they are the ten commandments or any extra 'don'ts' we have in our life. On a very simple level I can see a world of difference between my younger self and my seven year old, Caleb. Music is a wonderful part of our life and there is no segregation in my home of 'secular' or 'christian'. Caleb loves all different kinds and some of his favorite songs have been Music by Madonna or some No Doubt songs and I love to ask him what he likes about a particular song. His answers are so interesting and we have great conversations about God's creative gifts that He gives us all. In very stark contrast is my own awareness of music and the radio which was a bad word. I remember one day Tara and I were at my Grandmother's house and she ran to the store so we snuck the radio to KISZ 98 the only pop station around. I can even remember the exact song by Huey Lewis and the News when my Grandmother came in and caught us. She didn't yell but she did spend a lot of time, with a look of disappointment, talking to us about the evils of secular music. It didn't make a whole lot of sense then and to this day I feel that the whole motivation behind that talk and subsequent discussions is Fear. I was so drawn to Rock music. I would always feel a mixture of guilt, confusion and fury. My desire is for my sons to live free from extra do's and don'ts that consume the Church as a whole. My heart is for them to be free to seek Life and not get laden down by Christianity's extra commandments. Right now I feel like a lot of the extra baggage of life as a Christian is being dropped overboard and what is left is a simplicity like I have never known. A simplicity to be loved and treasured not based on my Bible reading or church attendance but based on the unique creation that I am in Christ. Suzanna Walton Rickards, beautiful daughter, lover of music and art and truth--wife to a remarkable man, rich in amazing friendships--a mom who delights in her sons and suprisingly, a dog lover but, most importantly of all, precious and loved by my Father God. I was created to just revel in Life. That being said I can tell you that this body or 'earthsuit' which houses my true self (spirit) is in need of some serious help. I wake up every morning aching, partly because of stress and my ancient bed but also because I am so overweight. I have some serious eczema issues. My fingernails could not get any shorter and five minutes playing with Desi, my dog, kicks my butt. I want so much more for myself. I want so much more for my sons and husband. I was created to run and dance.

2003-01-31T16:58:00.000-08:00

I just re-read Lori's statement about the sub-conscious messages we send to our bodies. I truly believe this. I am on some anti-anxiety medication that has helped me lose weight- 20 pounds in 4 months. I feel amazing. I mentioned to my doc that I was losing weight on the meds and that was a great side-effect for me. She said that my medication usually makes people gain weight. I was so shocked until I realized that my meds are taking away the feeling of being on an emotional cliff clinging for dear life and stuffing my face to make the pain go away. I no longer eat to feel better, I eat when I am hungry and my mind is calm enough to stop and consider the effects of the food I am eating. I do not plan to be on this medication forever, but my anxiety was taking over my body in a very dangerous way. I am hoping the meds will teach me new patterns of behavior and give me time to figure out what I need to do to handle things emotionally. I know I have been writing a lot. This is just really freeing to me. I cannot believe the release. It is not painful like I thought it would be, it's cleansing through exposure like Suz said. Thank you both for lending your ear to my life.

2003-01-31T16:49:00.000-08:00

I, too, made deals with God about the "m-word". I thought that it was absolutely the most vile thing a girl sould do to herself and yet I could never understand why it felt so natural and so pleasing. I remember it making me feel elated and ready to get up and conquer the world! I would think that God wouldn't let me have babies if I did it too much. I read in a magazine in our junior high library that it was okay for you but that you need to be very careful not to injure yourself or become reliant on it or it could ruin your sex life. I didn't even know what "sex-life" meant. Like Lori, I didn't want to be fat, not like my mother, but like my sister. She used to masturbate in front of tv sometimes and I thought she was gross, even though I was doing the same thing in private. She was never really fat until adulthood, but my mother constantly hounded her about her food intake and the need to exercise because she was looking a "little heavy"-Liukko term for you are a fat slob-the eyes say it. My sister is an entirely different blog, although very tightly woven in my sex/fat journey. I guess what is forbidden is far more delicious. Maybe this is why the first story of humans in the Bible is about that. God is so clear to me sometimes. Actually, He is always clear, the "Christian culture" is what skews the message. I was just reading a book from Gary Smelly, I mean Smalley, about how to have "biblically appropriate, godly relationships in the family" Give me a fucking break. What does that mean? He mentioned that children whose spirits have been broken are more likely to be sexually permissive. Now, that makes some sense. I guess I want to ask you girls what you think God wants for us sexually, especially in adolescence? Is masturbation God's little escape door for raging hormones? Why is the urge so strong?

2003-01-31T08:15:00.000-08:00

Suzanna... I find it interesting that you spoke all of that punishment on yourself for your sexuality... like being fat would be an appropriate punishment for masturbation. I've spoken similar things to myself when trying to force myself into purity. I think our mind/body connection is so strong. I believe that when we say things like that to ourselves... our bodies respond, and just because we may later decide that that form of punishment is not what we want for ourselves, our bodies have not consciously received that message... does that make sense?

A thought I have for myself about that is that I used to hate that my mom was overweight. I hated that she wasn't "pretty" like other moms. I used to say, "I'll never be like that when I get older..." Then, I would feel guilty and think, "God is going to make me fat just because I think that..."

I think for me... the sexual molestation that I was involved in as a child was so hidden for me (I didn't even realize (consciously remember it) until college) that it is very difficult for me to recognize the things I told myself about the situation. I definitely had thoughts of shame and a perception of myself that was totally dirty.

I think that this is another reason that honesty is such a huge part of inner healing in the Bible... If I'm trying to hide this "bad, shameful" stuff from my friends and from God, then I can never see that in God's economy it's just not that big of a deal... it's been taken care of.

I'm thankful for Suzanna!

2003-01-30T17:02:00.000-08:00

I am not really thinking coherent thoughts. I will just throw some of them out into the great abyss. My cousin and I have a unique wholeness of thinking when we are together that I am just beginning to be in awe of. Partly it is because I don't have many memories that don't involve her a so we fill in the blanks that our individual minds have drawn. Also, it is Father's grace-gift to me; I have had it my entire life but didn't have the maturity to realize it. Only recently have I been pondering how huge is this bond between Tara Hoit and myself. I know it sounds cliche but we don't have to complete sentences with each other--much to the chagrin of our husbands who think we are speaking alien tongue. My life has been so closely linked with hers, yet two more different people you conld not find. I find it amazing that even spending years of my life there was so little communication due to the self-absorbtion of youth. Only now, approaching thirty, do I begin to grasp what a treasure trove of memories and wisdom we have in one another.

If I were to describe myself at eighteen an excerpt from my journal said 'I am a perfect red apple on the outside but no one sees the worms have eaten and destroyed my inside. I could not get away from the guilt and shame of masturbation. Even the sex did not cause such hatred of my self as the 'm' word. There were times in church as a teen when I could bear it no more and I would be the only one left sitting during communion because I was afraid of dying some terrrible death because I was fake. I masturbated, I was sick, I was twisted. I thought I was a freak of nature. I was a girl for God's sake, girls didn't do that. I would hear the guys joking at school about it. I was envious of their 'freedom'. They weren't Christians, they didn't care that they were 'going to hell'. I can safely say I spent almost the first twenty years of my life hating who I was. It effected every aspect of my life. I couldn't be comfortable with my peers. I was very hardened to my parents, I can never remember saying 'I love you' to them or 'I am sorry'. I could not be vulnerable or soft. I would encourage myself by saying over and over again "I feel no pain". Ask Tara, she could pinch me so hard and draw blood but I refused to feel it. Every guy I ever dated ended up calling me a 'hard bitch' and most of my friends ended up jokingly or not calling me Shrewzanna--the Shrew That Could Never Be Tamed. I chose a stony heart to compensate hatred and misery. Sometimes I would grow weary and have a life changing experience at church and then began the uphill ascent of my roller-coaster Christianity. I would throw away all my secular tapes, burn anything that my Grandmother deemed unclean, try speaking in tongues two hours a day like my Grandmother told me to. On and on, it took a million forms, I would try to read a book a day in my Bible--Leviticus and Numbers where so damn long, try to find a 'Christian' boyfriend--no such luck but most importantly of all I would begin my bargaining with God. I would tell myself that if I masturbated then God would never give me a husband, or my husband would be ugly. I remember being so tempted to masturbate and telling myself that I would be fat the rest of my life if I gave in. Alas, nothing worked, and all those days and weeks or, once in a while, months of trying all went to ruin as I gave in to my passions. Hopelessness and misery, my constant companions.
Since, I was married at nineteen, another phase of my life--and a much happier one I can tell you--began. More on that another time.

2003-01-29T20:26:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm Suzanna's cousin, Tara. Suzanna and I have lived most our lives inseparately. I will write as to her as I am nervous about exhibiting my innermost self on this box of wires, here in front of this vast universe of communicators. The "two basic needs;" sex and food, I've always heard, but haven't really considered how the two are so closely linked. They are both desires that have grave consequences when done in excess; shame and guilt to follow...I come from a pretty tumultuous beginning; my mother was a battered wife to a husband who had a serious drug problem which led him to prison ultimately. After their divorce was final, me, age 7) my mother married a great man and our life took on a most sunny exterior. We never talked about our "past life" much, but it is now, I see, on the cusp of the age of 30, so very much a part of who I am. My idea of food has always been something you do when you are happy. The family is together and at least pretending that all is well. It is the time when we share a piece of our day with each other or talk about our future goals. My mother was a strict health food dieter; we had whole wheat everything and ate apples for snacks. I used to go to Suzanna's house and binge on her snack foods that were actually pretty healthy-granola bars and cheeze nips. I can remember Suz's first car and the first night we went out alone in it. In order to seal our independence, we scrounged for loose change and came up with enough money to buy cheeseburgers and fries from McDonald's. It felt so good to go through the drive thru in the dark, music blaring to eat that warm, "totally inappropriate" food. I also remember food being a reward for doing something good- ice cream for good grades, out to dinner for special occasions. I have always eaten until I am full. It does anethestize you for a while. I never had a weight problem until I got married. I have always been totally obsessed about my shape and size and where it would put me in comparison to other girls. I am very aware of body shapes in women and am very critical of myself and others. My mom has always been in great shape and has one of those "built to be skinny bodies." I mention her because she has always had very high expectaions of us girls and our bodies. She used to tell me and my sister that if we would stand up straighter and tuck in our bottoms, we would look thinner. She also tried to teach me how to not swing my arms so wildly when I walke so I would look more sophisticated. Sex too, was a terrible no-no in my household. I was the second child beneath a sister who found herself pregnant at 18. I sort of paid the price for her "sin", by not being alowed to go any where except church events, where I had most of my sexual encounters and not being able to even talk to boys on the phone. I was really socially isolated. I "dated several guys in high school but the relationships happened only on school grounds until my first real boyfriend-1st time guy. The funny thing is, we never talked about sex except in terms of its horrible consequences, never of its necessity or beauty. I did not mean to write a book on my first posting. I have very little time for quiet reflection right now. I cannot believe the power of free writing. I do know that God created my little self for a reason. He wants me to find a way to balance these parts of me so I can grow.

2003-01-25T10:20:00.000-08:00

I'm interested to see if others experience the connection between food and sexuality. Any thoughts?

2003-01-25T10:19:00.000-08:00

If you're just joining us, this is a journey through transformation of our bodies and hearts... how did we get here, and how do we let Jesus lead us on from here.

I'm amazed to already see the links described in Suzanna and my stories... at least the very beginning of them. I've had an idea for a while that for me food was very related to sexuality and when a compulsion toward one is present, so is a compulsion typically present toward the other. Though I have remained a technical "virgin" (even now, I'm 27 and unmarried) masturbation was a large part of my adolescence and later on oral sex with guys. Like food, my sexuality was shameful, something I wasn't honest about with myself of anyone else.

When I was 15 I went on my very first real diet. My parents were very encouraging (My dad is an extreme yo-yo dieter and gained and lost the same 50 lbs. every other year.) and I lost about 50 lbs on slimfast. I was 5'3 and 180 lbs... I went down to about 130lbs in 9 months or so. Around this time I began a really amazing relationship with Jesus. He became real to me... things were falling into place. I began running cross country and realized that I could manipulate my body through exercise as well. After cross country season was over, I began gaining weight... a normal weight gain of about 5 lbs after the end of a strenuous season, but I freaked out. I felt guilty, like I couldn't succeed at anything... I was a fat slob. But now I was not only failing myself, I was failing God. I gave up and resumed my bingeing behaviors.

I would starve myself and binge and binge, but I soon found my weight as a high school senior at a heavy 210 lbs. I began drinking again and smoking pot (I was now even hiding that from my Christian friends. It was mortifying. I couldn't bring myself to buy plus size clothes so none of my clothes fit properly. I was lost...

In comes Jenny Craig to save the day. I joined Jenny Craig and lost about 30 lbs by the time I came to college. I was about 180 and in college I stayed around 170 lbs plus or minus 10 lbs the duration of school. I experimented with different methods of controlling... exercise, purging, extended fasts. whatever would cause immediate relief.

My senior year my roommate was anorexic. She was very sick and I began, with her help to realize that I had a problem as well...

2003-01-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

My story is very different from my long lost sister, Lori yet so many of my thought and choice patterns are similar. I have no childhood link, to the best of my knowledge, with food. Other than my mom being a sort of health food freak I never cared too much for eating, it was just something I did. What I did dwell on in a myriad of ways was my body. I too was molested when I was about seven or eight by an older boy who was the son of a widow in the church my pastor dad was helping. It opened the door to masturbation and a nebulous pleasure and loathing associated with my body. Not long after when I was nine I began getting breasts. We had just moved to a tiny town in Colorado called Norwood a\k\a Snorewood. I had never experienced public school before and was culture shocked as the kids immediatly hated and tormented me for the remainder of my fourth grade year. It was living hell, I was called dog, ugly all sorts of descriptions of my outward self. Two boys in particular were vicious, Rusty and Jerry. Summer came and it was blessed oblivion playing by streams far out in the woods just me and my imagination. It was mostly spent reading which was a wonderful escape, masturbating and riding my horse, Star. When fifth grade began I was petrified but I had started wearing a bra and little did I know what attention I would receive from then on. I think I can safely say as I look back that my fragile self's foundation was constructed around many grabs and gropes and sexual comments from small boys to grown men. My young life was characterized by feelings of deep shame but secret longings to be touched and talked to again and again. By the time I was eighteen after having been raped at sixteen which started my sexually active lifestyle I believed to the very core of my being that I was born for sex, that the sum of who I was was a body to be enjoyed and used.

2003-01-16T09:54:00.000-08:00

December was an amazing month. Susannah and I (my name is Lori) are journeying together to watch God transform our attitudes and behaviors regarding food as well as our bodies. First I'd like to share a little about my struggle with food and my journey so far. Food is one of my strongest memories from my childhood. Since I was a kid I can remember being so excited about food and eating... more about that than anything. I remember always trying to eat as much as my dad was eating and getting my or jealous when I didn't get as much food. My goal when I ate was to feel stuffed. It wasn't necessarily a good feeling, but I didn't understand the pain of it as something bad either.

At some point in my childhood, I was sexually molested. It was an older teenage boy that was the grandson of one of my parents friends. Me and my sister would be up in this room with him, and he would fool around with us. I liked it. It felt good, but I knew it was wrong. I don't remember consciously feeling anything about it, but I certainly loved food.

I remember my first binge (the first one I remember ) It was after dinner, and we had had some kind of Lipton rice mix or something. My family was in the living room watching tv and I went in the kitchen and... it gets sort of blurry here... when my dad walked in I was shoveling the rice into my mouth with my hand. My dad didn't say anything to me about it. He just said to come in with the rest of the family.

Shame. Guilt. Lust. These were my beginning feelings with food. They were such intense feelings. I was a pretty pleasant kid. I don't remember feeling much except around food. During our church potluck dinners I would stuff myself until I would get sick. It felt pretty good to get sick. The pain would go away, but I got the pleasure of eating as well.

I was a chubby kid... not too chubby, but on the chubby side. Kids at school joked me about it, but I never admitted that it bothered me. I developed a funny personality... always making fun of myself instead of waiting for others to make fun of me. I had pretty good friends. They were important to me.

2002-12-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

This is our first blog. The journey is beginning.