Who is reading this besides Suzanna and Lori? I thought we were it. I am not comfortable sharing this information with any one outside the two people I initially assumed were the only eyes reading my most private thoughts. Perhaps I am not aware of how blogs are supposed to work. Please forgive my super-sensitivity. Thanks guys.

hey girlies... thanks to Mr. Mike Bishop we now have the ability to comment on the entries. If you're reading this blog and you do not type entries, please be sensitive to the senseitive nature of what we talk about... I'm just being honest. I do, however, want to encourage you to comment on our entries and experiences. Many times it's important to get an objective perspective... that rhymes.

anyways... I have to wait to blog about what is really going on with me and how it's affecting my body... more later.

Tara... I just quickly wanted to respond to what you were saying about MB... I've been in that situation before. In that particular situation, I didn't tell her mom, but her mom wound up finding out anyways. Her mom already knows about the cutting and nail-biting, true? Is she seeing a counselor or anything... just a concern cause cutting is definitely a counselor-type situation...

It's so cool to me that she can see that she can be real with you. If you think you really need to tell her mom (it sounds like her mom is co-dependent so I'm not sure it would be beneficial for her to know right now, cause she might just start to enable MB... just a thought), I would recommend giving her a loving deadline. For example, say, "MB, I've been thinking about some of what you shared and I know personally some of the harm that can come from those choices you're making. I want to let your mom know about it because I know she loves you, but I want you to have the opportunity to tell her. I'm going to trust that you'll do that and by April 1st, I'll assume that you've told her. When I'm around her I might mention something about it assuming she knows."

This is maybe a more empowering way of letting parents know what's going on. I've never done it myself, but I have friends who have and I haven't heard of it backfiring. I rarely tell parents about sex or drugs, though I'm aware that at some point something really bad could happen, and I would feel guilt probably for not telling more people. Our guideline at my work is to notify people once a student is going to harm herself or someone else.

Anyways... enough of that. I'm truly amazed at the relationship you described... I guess I'm most amazed at the power that abusive people can hold over us. There's something that they offer and they withhold that keeps us coming back for more.

Hi again, it's me, Margaret. I'm sorry, just a throw back to my Judy Bloom days when hormones were a' flutter and I had to read teen trash like that to figure my body out. I am so glad to have a platform for this mind/body/soul matter that clogs my thinking and, until now, had no place to really spill to. Thank you for inviting me and letting me in your private self's room.

I have been filling some snow down time with some crackers from Walmart. I'l get bored for a split second and run into the kitchen for a carbo-load handful of crackers. I haven't done that in a long time. I am so much more conscious of why I eat now. I thought I was before, but I am paying extra attention to it now that I giving myself some time to take care of myself.

Lori-Suz mentioned that you work with young girls a lot. I have noticed you seem to have a lot of wisdom in this area. I am sort of mentoring the daughter of a friend of mine. She is 14 and we have a great time together. She babysits for us and stays with me when Jeremy is gone. We are very close and she shares just about everything with me. First, let me tell you about her parents and family. Her dad is an alcoholic/workaholic who owns his own successful business. Her mom is a tiny, beautiful woman who struggles to raise 2 boys who are patterned after their father-they drink and generally seem to hate women. Her parents fight all of the time and then they magically make up the next day. Some of the blow-ups last a week or two and end up with a Dad out all night drunk and a mom who has opted to sleep on the sofa. There is so much background, but you get the picture hopefully. MB is really smart and really beautiful. She struggles with lying. She gets cought up in messes a lot, trying to be someone she's not. She hurts herself and readily admits it to me and her mother. She brings it up a lot as, I think, a cry for help. She bites her fingers until they bleed and she cuts her arms. She has a really sweet boyfriend who is also 14 and she just told me this week that they are having sex. She asked if I could get her birth control pills under my name for her and I respectfully declined. I offered to be in the room if she wished to tell her mother. She really got scared that I would say something to her mother without her. I asssured her that would not happen and talked her about her sexuality and how it such a bummer that sex has so many far-reaching consequences when you are not with the person you are going to marry. I did not give her the WHY WAIT speech. I told her that God loves her in that special place that is longing to be loved and that physical closeness will not fill the holes left in her from her family. Was that too much psycho-babble for her age? Am I under an obligation to talk to her mom about it? I am not really sure what to do. I love her so much and I am a huge influence on her life. It is a wonderful responsibility. I know the hurting herself and sex can probably be handled in different ways even though they are so interconnected. Could you please take some time to help me figure this out? Thank you.
Now to me-I had a little bit of an epiphany the other night while talking to Jeremy. I cried about how I understood what Suz meant when she thought her body was to be used by men for pleasure. I recalled each sexual contact I had with boys in high school and they all had the same theme. Male: What can I get from you? How can you make me feel good and fast? I was basically forced to do things with a boy from 7th grade on. I went from being completely scared and repulsed by him to longing for his acceptance and being obsessed with him and his body. My body could never, physically accept him inside of me, because I was so dry. I was never really aroused, just scared. He would corner me in the hallway to feel me up and create an elaborate set up for me to give him a blow job at speech tournaments. He would call me right after I broke up with a boyfriend and take me in his truck to see what he would get. He never spent a dime for a date with me. Our phone conversations were of nothing but sex and yet, I really believe I loved him. It is just hitting me now, as I write that I was in love with the boy who was just like my real dad-a druggy, sex abuser. I stayed and loved him just like my mom did. I have always been so proud of myself for being able to have transcended my mother's horrible history with men and yet, my entire sexual beginning was with the same prototype. Thank you, God, for giving me Jeremy and sparing me from this man. I have had contact with this guy 2-3 times during my marriage. He called me after I had been married for a couple of years. He was asking me to have an affair, he wasn't willing to pay for a plane ticket or come to me. He made that clear. I actually fantasized about our rendevous. I knew it would ruin my life and I put the hot, hot fire out by turning him down. Jeremy knewhe contacted me but I never told him the true nature of it. I have dreams abouthim at least once a month. We are always trying to be someplace private to have sex, but it never, ever happens. Jeremy knows that I have occasional dreams of him and he says he realizes that he played a huge role in my sexual development and that dreams are powerful. How well-adjusted is that? I feel like it is a burden I carry. It is pretty complicated. Isn't everything? This is what I cannot impart to MB. She will have to find this out on her own, I guess. Again, thank you for this therapy session. It is a lot cheaper and safer. Suz, I would appreciate your honest thoughts on C. I have always wanted to know what you think of us. I know he played a role in your history too. Hopefully, Lori, you will be intrigued by this and we will all grow. I love you, Suz. My heart is so yours.

I'm gonna blog this even though Suz and I talked about it this past Tuesday. I've been thinking that emotional trauma (of any sort) can cause development to halt or delay... the easiest example of this is when you hear a girl talking "baby talk." Often this girl's development stopped in the social area because of some trauma (sexual abuse, her parents divorced, she was bullied by a classmate,etc.) I've been thinking that development can stop in other areas as well such as food for myself. So, I'm going to help myself grow up in the area of food. Right now, I eat like there's never going to be any more of it ever. I get frantic, eating very emotionally. So, when I catch myself doing so, I'm going to say, "It's ok, Lori. There's going to be plenty more food. Just relax." I'm going to choose to stop when I'm full... listening for the voice of the Spirit telling me that I'm all done.

What do you think...?

My dearest cousin, pardon my liberties but the other night when we were on the phone you retorically asked "who is Jesus anyway" or something to that degree. I am no theological expert I just have thought about your question ever since and have been asking it to the Father deep inside. Today as I was swinging with Silas outside, here in paradise, I heard an answer whispered in my heart. I will tell you what I experienced: He is the feeling of freedom I get when I am swinging. He is the rapture on Silas' face as he goes back and forth. He is the joy I feel when I remember all the years of laughter in spite of the hell that surrounded you and I. He is your beautiful face when you see a puppy. He is the echo of love in your voice as you talk about Jackson. He is the softness of your hand as you nurse Lily. He is True Life. He is Jeremy's heart and how much he adores you, his wife. He is echoed in the giggles as, at almost thirty, we still play "Kelly and Melanie". Tara, He has restored you and I to the rightness of all time before Adam chose independence from Father God. Granted we are not in the Garden of Eden, but He has ushered in His kingdom and He is ever pursuing our hearts for a deeper intimacy with Him. He is the infusion of life felt as Mark and I have sex. He is your sisterly arms holding Seija Liisa as she weeps with a broken heart because your dad is unable to love her unconditionally. That picture is forever burned in my brain. He is not the hardened hearts of Gene and Ari. He is not the selfish inconsistency of our moms. He is not Grandmother's secret cover-up for everything hurtful or ugly in life. He is not the duty of a life hammered out in the empty brick walls of a church building. He is not demanding more and more. He is whispering "enough, enough--you are more than enough for me". He is singing the Norah Jones song "Come Away With Me". He is everywhere--the goodness in everything. He is the essence of Life to heal my spirits many wounds. He actually is Love.

I am beginning to feel some anxiety and weight creep up on me again. I've been feeling really great and I have figured out that I don't think I deserve it really. My husband and I held onto each other and cried about how much we love each other and our sweet little babies asleep in the next room. Itold him that I was scared we could lose it at any moment. He said sometimes he thinks of what would happen if he lost one of us, but then he realizes that we deserve this beautiful life together. I wept and he said "you deserve this" over and over as he comforted me. I can lay in my bed at night with no actual worries and feel this tingling feeling cover my body. I burn all over and my breath feels like it is being taken from me slowly. After I started taking a higher dose of my medication, this feeling subsided for a few weeks. It's is coming back and getting stronger every day. Lori, I know you don't know the history of this; in a nut shell, I thought I was having a heart attack before Christmas and this was the catalyst for an exhaustive medical journey to figure out what really happened. After many blood tests and diagnostics, including an MRI, the nuerologist told me I was having what can be explained as an extended panic attack. He said it's a blend of anxiety and a hormone imbalance he sees often post partum. My baby will be a year old this month. I took this ambiguous answer from him and spent Christmas with my family. I started feeling this way again about a week ago. I'm not sure what to do. I can feel myself beginning to eat more and wanting to stuff myself even when I am not hungry. I can also see myself feel a little out of control when the house gets out of order. I hope I am not slowly returning to my old patterns of behavior. Somehow, these parts of self are strongly tied to one another. We are so complex. I have in the back of my mind that there is something inside of me that is scratching to the surface and that this is my body's way of telling me it's coming. Maybe a memory of some past event pushed way down or some piece of information that wants to destroy me and what I have. Maybe it is just simply that my body is having a hard time letting go of all its heaviness. My physical body is fighting the life God has restored to me. I will know and will hopefully understand this impending sense of loss.

My mom is here for the weekend, and I'm excited about talking (or not talking) about food issues and our family. I can really relate to your experience, Suzanna. It kills me when people try to tell me what I "need to know" about weight/food/exercise. They typically make the assumption that I'm a fairly sedentary person who eats junk food. Some friends have expressed surprise when they got to know me... You eat so well!... they'll say. Gosh, Lori, you're so active. I guess they're surprised that someone who is active will be big... which leads me to a new place....

I am coming to think and even believe that part of this journey for me is going to be absolutely letting go of expectations regarding what my body will look like at its healthiest. Because I've never been totally healthy about food and exercise, then I think I'm a blank canvas... at least that's what I think my expectations need to be. Whatever happens to my body as I allow Christ to live through me HAS to be ok. The standards that our world has placed are NOT God's standards. No matter what that looks like... Even if I always have a big butt... Big butts are kinda cool by the way...

Why is it most people can readily tell you what it is you need, as if it were that simple? I have been told by some that I just need more determination to lose weight, or I have been told by well-wishers that I just need to trust God more, my own husband, God love him, has told me that is was just will-power I lacked, any of the latest books will tell me I should just exercise everyday and eat any number of ways to be successful. Everyone, whether their intentions are kind or vicious, seems to have the answer to my inadequacies. I find this astounding due to the fact that none of their helpful 'wisdoms' have ever been the answer. I would like them to tell me how I actually get more determination. How am I supposed to drum up more self-control or will-power? It is insulting and insensitive that people should imply that I just haven't tried hard enough. All of my trying has failed and the answer to my problems is not more trying. I believe the answer to my problem is Jesus living His life through me. I recognize that I will never be able to acheive my dreams of being healthy on the outside without the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit working determination deep in my soul. I need the Spirit of True Life to create the trust and wisdom I need to live a life that is characterized by His Will power. How can He possibly fail. As He is doing this amazing inner-working I don't want to dwell on the fact that it is not happening as quickly as I want it. I choose not to expect anything other than the fact that it is indeed happening each moment of each day whether I performed well or fell on my butt. Learning and growing is what Life is about. I tend to want a life changing work to happen instantaneously and the last I heard the product of living this awesome Life of freedom was not impatience or frustration. I want those feelings to be an indicator that I am trying to live in my own strength and run to my Abba to hide and rest in the fact that He is indeed working deep within.